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Universal Soldier [www.mobygames.com] for the SEGA Genesis is one of the greatest games of all time. Yes, I’m dead serious. Go ahead, laugh. I’ll wait.

But here’s the kicker: Universal Soldier is actually Turrican II [www.mobygames.com] in disguise. Not “inspired by”. Not “loosely based on”. I mean this is literally Turrican II with a crummy Hollywood mask placed on it.

Imagine finding out the store brand cola you’ve been chugging all your life is Coca-Cola, just rebranded. That’s Universal Soldier. It’s Scooby Doo villain levels of absurdity.

Let me break it down: Accolade, the game publisher, snagged the rights to that awful movie, presumably because they lost a bet. But instead of creating a slap-dash game (like most tie-ins), they said, “Screw it, let’s just re-use Turrican II.” They tweaked some sprites, axed the original cutscenes, and called it a day. But when you boot it up, it’s 100% Turrican II.

And yet nobody noticed. Why? Because Universal Soldier the movie was a blackhole of cultural relevance. No one cared about the film, so no one cared about the game. This, folks, is what we call a waste of brilliance.

Just in case you never played Turrican II (or Universal Soldier), it’s one of the best run-n-gun platformers of all time. Basically, the entire Turrican series answers the question, “What if we combined R-Type [www.mobygames.com] with Contra [www.mobygames.com], made it more futuristic, and add even more spectacular power-ups and guns?” To say this was a success is an understatement.

But here’s where Universal Soldier fumbles the bag: they ditched the iconic metal suit. The badass Turrican exosuit? Gone. Instead, you’re Jean-Clause Van Damme, flexing in fatigues. No shade to JCVD, but that’s just a crime against gaming.

Also, the game doesn’t quite fit on the Genesis. It looks and feels more Amiga than SEGA, which is a little jarring, but hey, it still works.

You know what the wild part is? Universal Soldier’s music is exactly the same as Turrican II as well. That part they kept. I don’t blame the devs because it’s awesome. There is nothing they could have done to out-do Chris Huelsbeck’s compositions, so why bother? Mind you, it’s adapted to the Genesis sound chip, but I’m not complaining – it’s neat to hear the adaptation. As for the sound effects? Pretty good too. Again, this is just Turrican II.

Controls are a trip. Unlike the Amiga version, they have a separate jump button. But they also kept “Up” as jump too! And weirdly, because I have such muscle memory with Turrican II, I ended up pressing up on my D-pad instead of the jump button to jump.

Code Monkeys developed Universal Soldier. They were mostly known for movie tie-ins and shovelware. For example, they made Shrek: Treasure Hunt [www.mobygames.com].

Playing Universal Soldier today feels like discovering someone took The Legend of Zelda [www.mobygames.com], slapped on The Princess Bride branding, and tried to sell it as a DOS game. It’s baffling. It’s weird. And it’s glorious.

So yeah, I’m recommending Universal Soldier. Not because it’s a good tie-in (it’s not) but because it’s secretly Turrican II. And Turrican II is a masterpiece, no matter how bad the disguise.